The Ugliness of Wanting My Daughter to be Beautiful
At 16, I, a cis girl, had facial feminization surgery. Now I wish my trans daughter would consider it. God I hate myself for thinking that
I wish my trans daughter, 18, would think about facial feminization surgery. Not because Izzy isn’t pretty—she is.
This desire I have goes against my closely held belief that trans people should not have to pass.
If I don’t think my kid, or any trans person, should change how they look because a cis person thinks they should, what is going on with me?
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Vogue
Let me back up. As a cis teen, I had my own facial feminization surgery. I took my huge, ungainly nose into an operating room and came out with a nose that fit my face.
Pinned to my gown, as I was wheeled to surgery, was a photo ripped from Vogue of a French model with an elegant little French nose. The surgeon didn’t give me the nose in the picture (he later said it made him laugh), but it didn’t matter a bit. I got an ordinary nose, and that was THRILLING.
After the operation, I was quite a vision, horribly bruised and wearing a giant smile. I even smiled when the surgeon took out the packing, which was like having my brain yanked out my nostrils.
I was unremarkable! I was going to be left alone.
Shame
When I confessed to my parents that I wanted a nose job—
Nose job, as if I would hand myself to someone in a mechanic’s jumpsuit, but after all what are plastic surgeons besides mechanics and what is skin besides fabric. Went to the skin-tailor. Had my face altered—
my parents felt sad. Not because I was rejecting the face they had given me: neither had my cursed nose. No, they were sad because I hated myself. They felt sorrow at my shame.
Now that I have a teen, I feel tender toward my parents for saying yes and taking me seriously. Listening was out of character for them; we didn’t have a good relationship. But somehow they got this.
Gender dysphoria is hard enough without a politically motivated trans panic. The gulf can be large between who our trans kids know themselves to be and the body they were born with. Add the current state-sanctioned threats to their existence, and for too many, the pain becomes unendurable.
I would listen if Izzy was at war with how she looked, as my parents listened to me. But she does not hate her looks. She does not even suffer much from dysphoria.
If Izzy seems as content with herself as any teen can be, why do I catch myself wishing she would talk about facial feminization surgery?
Softer
First, a quick explainer. Facial feminization surgery (FFS) for trans patients involves softening the hairline, jaw, brow, and nose. And if you have a pronounced Adam’s apple, you can get it smoothed. All to create a more feminine appearance.
My rhinoplasty at 16 was 100% gender affirming surgery.
FFS is not a stark change, but more of a subtle overhaul. It is a common procedure for trans women and nonbinary people, but also cis people. My rhinoplasty at 16 was 100% facial feminization and 100% gender affirming surgery.
If you think about it, most elective plastic surgery is gender-affirming, no matter your gender. Breast augmentation or reduction (many more cis boys get surgery every year to reduce breast size than trans teens get top surgery). Chin implants. Face lifts. In my case, my new nose matched my otherwise feminine face and my gender inside.
Guarantee
The remorseless man sentenced for the hate crime of beating a trans woman last week said the president “should kill them all.” All the trans people. That is chilling.
Yet, in a way, my idea that my daughter should get FFS just as chilling.
It is my job as a mom to protect my kid as I can, but there is no surgical force field to protect any girl, trans or cis, from someone who deems her not enough of a girl or not entitled to exist.
Wanting Izzy to change her face so as to be left alone by murderers is like wanting a girl to choose the kind of clothes she won’t get raped in. We all know rape has nothing to do with what you’re wearing. In the same way, violence against trans women has nothing to do with the face you’re wearing.
Ancient
If no one had called me ugly every day, would I have gotten rid of my nose, the nose of an old man? But I hated it. That self-hate is ancient, it goes so deep in me.
I have my ancient loathings and biases, like everyone does. Is there a chance my idea of Izzy getting FFS has some transphobia in it? I think so, yes.
Fortunately I found a group of supportive, nonjudgmental, gender defiant parents of trans kids to talk it over with. A blessing.
—N.R.
Noa Rabinow is a health care worker and an editor at Gender Defiant.
Isa Lichen
Check out our coming out stories from gender defiant parents here.
