I Think My Trans Kid Hates Trans People – Guest Writer Benjamin Erwin
It's called internalized transphobia, and it’s real
Here’s a question coming up a lot with parents I know: Is my trans kid transphobic?
I’m one of the parents asking. At first I was confused and angry that my daughter would reject trans people when she is one. Spreading toxic messages about trans people...as a trans person? Isn’t it hard enough being trans, or trying to be an ally, or fighting for trans rights, without the call coming from inside the house? But the more I think about it, it makes sense.
Let me warn you I have no solutions to this problem. I think it’s healable, even preventable—maybe when we evolve as a culture to the point where being trans is ordinary. Right now I am giving my kid space to vent instead of judging her. That is at least keeping channels of communication open. Witnessing what might be her transphobia feels awful, but it also feels awful to argue and shut her down.
I’m going to throw out some examples of what internalized transphobia looks like among our kids. Maybe you’re seeing it too. Maybe you have ideas.
But first a couple of quick definitions.
Transphobia
Transphobia means having deeply held negative beliefs about trans or nonbinary people.
We usually think of cis people having transphobia, not trans people. Outsiders are the problem: cis people making laws targeting trans people, harming and murdering trans people, rejecting their trans kids.
All cis people have some transphobia. Including me, a cis man trying to recognize and heal my transphobia to be a better dad. (This is what gender defiant is to me: being willing to revise my assumptions about gender as a cis person.)
Transphobia doesn’t originate in us. It’s in the air. Our cis culture has beamed messages to us from before we were born, setting up stores so parents pick “girl” or “boy” clothes for a baby pre-assigned a gender in utero. We absorb messages from movies, TV, politics and social media that say trans people are outliers at best, a threat to our country at worst. We know the messages are lies, but they’re in the water. Transphobia can operate on a subtle level.
Internalized transphobia
When I ask is my kid transphobic, the term for that internalized transphobia. Internalized transphobia means trans people absorbing negative cultural attitudes toward trans people and turning against themselves, consciously or not.
So, trans people can be disgusted by trans people, make assumptions about trans people, spread awful stereotypes about trans people.
This makes sense. After all, women have internalized misogyny. Men internalize violent masculinity. I have internalized antisemitism as a Jewish person. Anyone can internalize cultural hatred. Our trans kids too. The negativity can spill out as depression, addiction, hiding, or outright rejection of that part of yourself.
Still, it shocks me when (what I think is) my kid’s internalized transphobia shows up.
Witnessing my trans teen’s transphobia feels terrible, but it also feels bad, and pointless, to argue back and shut them down
Here are a few examples from my community of what our kids’ internalized transphobia looks like.
Rejecting other trans people.
A number of parents say their kids (middle school through high school) reject affinity groups with trans people and/or don’t want trans friends.
On one hand, no kid wants to be friends with someone just because one part of their identity overlaps with theirs. On the other hand, aren’t our kids isolating themselves from people who could potentially be supports in an important way? Isolation can lead to loneliness, depression, suicidality.
Not using the word “trans.”
Some of our kids have stopped saying the word trans. Not just with strangers but family and close friends. One parent said the first time she heard her son (who transitioned in middle school) say the word was in college.
Self-identifying as intersex instead of trans.
A friend’s son, who came out at 3 and is 16 now, says he “identifies more as intersex.” His father worries this is a way of rejecting being trans, putting it at a distance.
It is not easier to be intersex* than to be trans. Intersex people are just as targeted. But I can imagine intersex identity as reassuring compared with trans identity. Being intersex is anatomically, objectively definite. Blameless, in a way?
Not that being trans, enby, gender expansive, is blameworthy. But if a very loud culture is blaming you, you might be attracted to blamelessness.
*Everybody watch the amazing documentary, Every Body, about being intersex with River Gallo, Sean Saifa Wall, and Alicia Roth Weigel.
Blaming trans people for attacks on transgender people and negative stereotypes about trans people.
This one especially troubles me because it feels like blaming a woman for being sexually assaulted.
They should know better, they’re making it worse for all of us, they should just dress normal are some things we hear from our kids.
Using slurs for other trans people.
Very tricky, this one. Cis parents are outsiders; we can’t code-switch. Trans people can use any language they want. It’s not for us to make a rule. But parents are also parents.
I don’t know how to tell when my kid has crossed a line. Sometimes it feels that way. Especially when she uses a slur while talking just to me, not her friends. One mom shared that her trans son’s friend clapped back when he used a slur, which made him mad.
It’s confusing. Does my kid feel comfortable enough to consider me, at least for a conversation, an insider? But I don’t feel comfortable. Maybe she is showing me her internalized transphobia as a distress signal.
Recoiling from out and proud advocates.
Some of our kids reject trans advocates who don’t “pass,” from TikTok influencer-advocates of the moment such as Lily Contino to trans activists in history, like Marsha P. Johnson, who paved the way for our kids to exist as themselves. Can you feel me lecturing? I have to hold myself back.
It’s hard to separate our kids’ natural urge to invent their world on their own terms from their internalized transphobia. They want to define the “right” way to be trans. Worryingly, their “right” way looks a lot like hiding.
*
It is early days for us, in my community, learning about internalized transphobia and how best to support our kids. If anyone has links or experience, email We.Are.Gender.Defiant@proton.me or leave a comment!
—B.E.
Benjamin Erwin is a lawyer, contributor to Gender Defiant, and dad of a trans daughter finishing her sophomore year in high school.
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