How Do You Hold On to Good Feelings?

A recent Gender Defiant essay chronicled a trans girl’s experience at a summer camp that turns out to have been the site of childhood sexual abuse for decades. After we published it, an ally wrote in: What a harrowing story. How do you manage to hang on to positive experiences vs. negative experiences? 

How DO we manage to hang on to the good right now? Almost no one, no matter if we are parents of trans kids, escapes the daily violence of this presidential administration, whether we are witnesses or directly affected. So it’s a great question. Or really two questions.

What gets you through a bad day? And how can we hang onto those good feelings so they don’t instantly dissolve?

Parents of trans kids weigh in:

What things get you through a bad day?

1. Supportive people. Can be close friends and family, acquaintances, or even just random people who somehow show that they are allies. This basketball player.
2. One day at the grocery this summer a guy in frozen foods had on a Protect Trans Kids t-shirt. To my surprise, it made me almost cry. I went over and told him I appreciate the message. He said, “I don’t have kids myself, but I’m a teacher.” That meant even more—teachers in some districts can be fired for using a trans kid’s chosen name. It showed me that people outside our families are fighting too, even at their own risk.
3. Knowing that there are people who will, at the very least, respect that my child exists and at best, love my child no matter what.
4. A joke. Doesn’t need to be a good joke.
5. Swimming. Yesterday I cried after calling my niece for her birthday. I moved far from family and miss her and my other relatives so much. But I went to the pool and it rained while I was there. I floated in the water, and the raindrops fell on me, and I felt happy even though I was also sad.
6. Lexapro.
7. Seeing my kids thrive.
8. Petting the therapy dogs at the college where I teach.
9. Doing things that calm my nervous system. Watching a tennis match, taking a shower, eating a peach.
10. I will walk every day, even if it’s a short one.
11. Perimenopause HRT.
12. Going to the movies by myself.

How do you hang onto the good feelings?

Based on all of the responses, hanging onto good feelings involves some kind of daily ritual, or a conscious decision that builds a habit over time.

1. I try to pay attention to the hills, plants, and animals around me throughout the day, thanking them for just existing and making the world so beautiful. Thanking the all-that-is for the good things in my life creates a sort of net that holds me when a bad a bad thing hits.
2. I attend a meditation group led by a monk. Coincidentally, he just brought up the problem of negative experiences far outweighing positive experiences in our minds. To retrain our brains, he suggested we stop and pay attention when something positive is happening. A traffic officer deciding not to give someone a ticket, your partner leaving the sink clean for the next person, the sound of children playing. Pause and take breaths when you notice, as it’s happening. And don’t take a picture; that interrupts the feeling. Just watch the sunset, for a full minute if you can. Letting positive experiences take up more time gives them a chance to take hold.
3. When I’m feeling upset, I sit with that. What shape does bad feeling have, where do I feel it in my body—my chest, my stomach? I don’t ignore the feeling. At the same time, I hang onto the perspective of all the wonderful things that I’m grateful for. It helps keep me from spiraling.
4. On my walks every day, I focus on the things that stay constant in our lives such as the sunsets and the sunrises. Sensing constancy helps me feel more grounded.
5. I am playing piano again as an adult after quitting in high school. It’s a triumph to get a simple piece back into my hands. I am not good player, but I’m not focused on that now. Playing every day, I am part of the music, which is bigger than I am. The feeling of bringing music someone composed a long time ago back into the air gives me a greater sense of time. And I notice I’m more patient when something happens that would ordinarily make me angry.

1. I have been able to educate people who want to be supportive of trans issues but just don’t understand what all of this is like. People hear the BS about medical treatment and sports and believe it, so discussing what actually happens opens people’s minds. It does involve getting up the courage to speak instead of ignoring things. But seeing people change their minds, and knowing I can contribute that way, gives the experience a truly lasting effect.

—Team G.D.

The Beautiful Dream of Nobody Cares

Two gay men, decades ago, blew the doors off my assumptions. It’s like they were sent from the future, where I had a trans kid

GENDER DEFIANTNoa Rabinow