The Defiant Questions: Gender at Age 3

Each month, a different parent tells us what they love, and hate, about raising a trans child. This month, contributor Isla Lichen talks about being trans in early childhood.

When did your child first identify their gender?

Orla was 3 when they told me they weren’t a boy or a girl. 

How old are they now, and has their self-identity developed? 

Last week, Orla and I—Orla is now 7—went to our favorite Chinese dumpling place. During our conversation, I brought up a person we talked with earlier in the day who said he didn’t realize he was trans until he was an adult.

“Yeah, that’s how it was for me, too,” Orla said. “I didn’t know.”

OMG hahaha! I wonder if the first three years of their life felt like a lifetime to them. Did they mention pronouns?

At 3, Orla said they’re just Orla, no pronouns. We were actually talking about this at the restaurant. Orla said, “I didn’t know I could be a they. When you told me about that word it sounded weird, because I was used to he and she. But now I’m used to it, I’m trans.” 

“I didn’t know I could be a they. When you told me about that word it sounded weird, because I was used to he and she. But now I’m used to it”

What’s a part of your parenting that no one sees?

The work of building communities that reflect Orla’s identity. We belong to a community garden with people across the gender spectrum. Orla has trans teachers at school, trans camp counselors, gender expansive friends. Our former housemate is trans. Trans adults attend our Buddhist temple. 

What do you love about being the parent of a trans child?

Seeing Orla trust who they are. I was talking with my sister-in-law about this and she compared it to her yoga practice: “The body keeps showing me the truth of it.” I love how Orla listens to the possibility their body carries instead of following in step with wear this, buy this, throw the ball this way. That takes a lot of courage.

What do you hate about being the parent of a trans child?

In the United States, under this administration, it can be terrifying. In the past few months, I have received texts from fellow parents of trans kids that read:

 Worrying about middle of the night sweeps by the FBI

 Am I just totally underestimating this problem? Should I be jettisoning us out of the country now? 

 I’m feeling super vulnerable. I know we all have this fear but I’m just trying to be factually informed.

What’s one way being the parent of a trans kid is different from being parent of an (apparently) cis kid?

I am always watching for when Orla might be misgendered or it might not be safe for their gender to be made public. At the doctor. With family we haven’t seen in a while. At events. 

Our old pediatrician routinely messed up Orla’s pronouns. On the drive there, I’d rehearse quietly asking the receptionist to remind the doctor or casually using “they” as the doctor entered the room. We wound up leaving that practice. 

Switching doctors, hair cutters, temples or churches, etc., is another type of work parents of trans kids are always doing.

So true. But sometimes there’s simply a language barrier. Here’s a literal example: On a family trip to Cuba, the mom of a friend Orla met there was confused about Orla, who was sometimes in dresses and other times in swim trunks. I tried to explain in Spanish. “Elle es no-binarie.” Yanet didn’t get it. (Elle is the Spanish “they,” used instead of ella or él, but it’s not common everywhere.)

I started to get anxious then tried again, searching for different words in my limited Spanish. I landed on how Orla first described their gender to me: “Orla no es un niño ni una niña.”

 Yanet said “Ah!” and without another word walked over to Orla and hugged them. 

What’s one way being the parent of a trans kid is the same as being the parent of a cis kid?

In a way, it's all the same. Every kid is different, every kid has uniquenesses. Gender is just one of them. If our country celebrated transness the way cis masculinity is celebrated, would there be any difference in how we raise kids?

A transphobic relative recently said, “I miss the days when kids were just kids.”

I look forward to the day when all kids are just kids, including mine and yours.

If our country celebrated transness the way cis masculinity is celebrated, would there be any difference in how we raise kids?

What advice would you give a fellow parent of a trans child?

Nurture community that reflects your kid’s gender. Not that your efforts will always land! We joined a group that organizes playdates for trans children. Orla has resisted meetups because the kids are strangers. I realized connection requires more than shared identity: I can’t expect my child to connect with another simply because they’re both trans. When I take time to get to know the other parents first, our kids are more likely to find their way to one another. 

What’s one thing you want cis parents of cis kids to know? 

What the Trump administration is doing harms cis kids.

When the President says trans girls can’t play sports and “they’re going to check,” it only takes one person to say, about your cis kid, “I don’t believe you’re really a girl,” and a stranger is pulling down her pants for a genital inspection. 

The sports ban certainly isn’t about “protecting” children. The attacks on trans people aren’t about trans people. I want parents to know we’re all in this together.

What’s the most surprising response you got when you shared that your child is trans?

This summer, a family member asked whether Orla was “saying they’re trans and wearing dresses” because they thought it would make me happy.

When I repeated this to a friend, she burst out laughing: “I can’t convince my kid to eat broccoli. How would I possibly convince him to change his gender?”

What is a characteristic of a friend or family member who has stood by you?

I was out for a birthday drink with my friend Flora. On the walk to the bar I was thinking about what Civil Rights activist John Lewis said: when you do peaceful protest, be prepared to suffer the consequences…. I’m prepared to suffer the consequences, but what about my kids?

That’s what was on my mind. Was I going to bring that up on Flora’s birthday? I did.

Flora jumped right in: “From a child’s perspective, if you die fighting for what is right you may as well have raised that child to adulthood because that would carry them through for the rest of their life.” It’s a certain kind of friend who can essentially say if we die defending civil rights, our kids will be okay—as she sips a fizzy cocktail.     

It’s a certain kind of friend who can essentially say “if we die defending civil rights, our kids will be okay”—as she sips a fizzy cocktail

If your child is out to extended family, are they accepted?

Some of my family members are steered by right-wing “values.” Some believe gender is an “ideology.” I don’t tell Orla this, but they likely sense it. A few refused to use Orla’s pronouns—for years—but are now coming around. At base, I know my extended family loves Orla and wants them to be healthy and happy. 

What new name for yourself would you choose if everyone chose a different name for the next chapter of their life?

I like the name River and a toddler I love has this name!

—I.L.

Isla Lichen is at work on When Leaving Home, a book about life under the current U.S. administration as the parent of a trans child, which explores questions of immigration, including their great-grandfather’s flight from Germany after he “brushed shoulders with Hitler” in WWI.