#TBT // Thursday Rewind: "Scared for your kids? Welcome to my world."

By the time you’re reading this, you are likely about as eager to remember the 48 hours Southern Maine spent in lockdown last month as you are those two years we lost to Covid. When I first heard the news that over a dozen people had been murdered in Lewiston, I assumed we would soon learn its immigrant communities had been targeted. 

What, I am now wondering, has it done to the psyches of white Mainers to learn that their own have been mass murdered? Just regular folks bowling and playing cornhole on a Wednesday night. Regular, mostly middle-aged, cis-het, white people. 

This tragedy must, if we are to truly learn from it, be understood as a lesson. Note that this slaughter even brought Congressman Jared Golden, admirably, to take accountability for his past resistance to a ban on assault weapons. But why did it have to happen to his home state for Golden to recognize what it means to fear for the lives of those you love? 

As you can imagine, I’ve been the recipient of some pretty antagonistic e-mails since I started writing this column. We call it “hate mail.” I’ve learned a lot from it. Because I am accustomed to reading (and analyzing) literature, I tend to get very preoccupied with the forms such communications take: the rhetorical modes, the idiosyncrasies of thought, etc. One consistent attribute of the messages I receive is that their writers are very angry. For reasons that are beyond me, the fact that a person might question their gender makes them angry. These individuals are also angry that a parent might believe their child and choose to support them. 

But I’m angry, too. Aren’t you?

Aren’t you angry that the very rational fear that the shooter on the loose might enter a school resulted in our children staying home for two days? How did you feel explaining this particular violence to your children when their schools were closed? 

The lockdown situation felt like just another day to me. Sure, I was worried. But I am always worried. 

There’s this absolutely absurd notion out there (this I gleaned from the hate mail directed at me) that parents encourage their children to be trans. Nothing could be further from the truth. That would be like wanting your child to be more likely to commit suicide. 

You see, when you are a parent of a trans kid, you know your child will: 1.) struggle with the knowledge that our society opposes the expression of their genuine self; 2.) rarely encounter representations of themselves in media; 3.) encounter documentation of antagonistic rhetoric toward trans folks, as well as violent acts against trans people.

I am afraid every day for my child. I am lucky in that I am not worried my trans kid will commit suicide. I’m worried because trans people are murdered.

How do I know this? When I started volunteering for PFLAG, I learned about the annual Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDOR). It occurs on the 20th of November, which just so happens to be my birthday. This event is somber. The names and faces of those lost are displayed on a screen. The names of those murdered are read aloud.

Did you hesitate to tell your child about the shooting rampage in Lewiston because you wanted them to have just one more moment of innocence?

I would never bring JJ to the TDOR event. JJ is just 14, and they have read enough about violence against trans folk online. Just because they are trans does not mean they are required to absorb the fact that 25 trans, nonbinary, and gender-nonconforming people have been murdered in 2023. (JJ also would likely refuse to attend because they have homework. Weirdly, JJ loves school. When it was cancelled after the mass shooting, they reflected, out loud, “I hope we get back to school on Monday so we don’t get behind.”)

I will think of you and the fears you have for your children when I am sitting at the TDOR vigil and thinking of the fears I have for my child. 

There is not a day I do not worry about mental, emotional or physical harm coming to my child.

I usually try to keep the tone of this column somewhat light and entertaining, despite the very serious reasons for which I write it. But I can’t pretend. The only reason I write this column is because I am fighting for my kid’s life.

I worry about my kid being murdered every day. Now that you know what that feels like, I ask that you protect all of our children by fighting for trans rights.

*. *. *

This essay was originally published in The Bollard in November 2023.