New Feature—The Defiant Questions!

How old is your child and how do they identify?

My fabulous child is 14. They describe their gender as “yes!” They lean toward trans masc, but it depends on the day. They use almost all pronouns except she/her.

When did they come out to you? Did you already know or have a feeling?

They came out to me at age 9 over dinner. I had known since they were 2 that they would not fit in a neat little gender box. 

What’s one memory from when your child came out?

They said “trying to stay in one gender is like trying to put a river in a box.” 

When they left to brush their teeth after dinner, their father walked in. I grabbed him and said, “our kid just came out as genderfluid. You will be nothing but supportive or you can walk out the door.” The look on his face—he was in a bit of shock. I can’t remember a time I ever took such a stern stand with him. He had never been supportive of my openness around my bisexuality (”why do people need to know?” he always said), and I had to make sure our child wouldn’t feel like they needed to hide.

Trying to stay in one gender is like trying to put a river in a box.

Next, I called the parents of my child’s close friends and told them I was creating an army of love. They could join now and fight for my kid’s right to exist fully or leave us the hell alone. I couldn’t let my guard down and allow transphobia into our circle—I needed to ensure my child was surrounded by safe people. All of them joined my army of love. 

What do you love about your child being trans?

That they refuse to be erased. They live in this world fighting for others because they see we all deserve to live the life we want. 

What do you hate about being the parent of a trans child?

The constant fear. I have to teach my child how to be safe without scaring them from living. I don’t get this right as much as I would like. 

Has your understanding of your own gender changed on your journey?

Yes. My child and I talk about gender frequently. Recently I disclosed to them that I have never felt inherently female. I know women who are moved to feminism through their identity as woman, through their bodies. I am a feminist, but my feminism is rooted in justice, not my body. I don't feel particularly connected to my breasts or reproductive parts. 

When I told my child that I never cared about my pronouns, that my pronouns are less about me than about how other people categorize me, my child promptly told me they think I’m agender. As I learned more and tried the term on for size, I’ve come to agree. I am glad to have this way to see myself. My existence makes more sense with it. 

Did your child keep their birth name?

My kiddo wanted to try names on for size, still does. As they’ve moved into different life phases, they have changed names as they’ve seen fit.  

What’s the most surprising response you got when you shared that your child is trans?

It was when my kid decided to come out to my mom on text. We don’t engage with my side of the family much because of how they’ve treated me since I came out as Bi at 15. My mom greets me with “I’m so sad my child will live eternally in the fires of hell” or “I wish you could find God so we could be together for eternity.” 

I think it’s funny that my mom doesn’t think I’ve found God. I have told her, “my God wouldn’t treat folks the way your God does.” That never goes over well. 

I’ve been open with my kid about what my family says to me, and I have shielded them from my mom as much as possible. So I never asked if they wanted to come out to her. One day they were just interested. I think it was a way for my kid to clarify the divide. 

They texted my mom that they had discovered more about who they are and wanted her to know. I braced for an onslaught of tearful calls to save our souls and prepared my child for the chance my mom would not be open. Thirty minutes later, mom texted: “Honey, we love you no matter who you are.” 

My child beamed, feeling that somehow they had been the light my mom needed to become accepting. I received no sobbing calls or rants about my parenting. But that was actually the last we heard from my mother other than short, scripted responses to holiday texts. 

I received no sobbing calls or rants about my parenting. But that was actually the last we heard from my mother. 

My child doesn’t realize that. They don’t need to. They wanted to come out for whatever reason and however they thought it would be helpful to them. That’s what mattered. 

What’s one delight you have as the parent of a trans child? 

Watching them find people like us in the world. Their whole being lights up when they find these connections. 

What’s one way being the parent of a trans kid is different from being the parent of a cis kid?

I think hard about how to navigate travel, even to outside counties for something like a pumpkin patch. 

In our neighborhood, people know who we are, no one gives us trouble. The farther we stray from home, the more hostile folks can be about my kid’s appearance, what bathroom they use—just existing in public.

What’s one way parenting a trans kid is the same as parenting a cis kid?

We all dream of our kids having independent lives that make them happy. 

What one piece of advice do you have for a fellow parent of a trans child?

Take time to grieve. There is a grieving process in having a trans child. You grieve what you thought life would look like. It’s human to imagine what your child’s life will be like and it's hard when reality is different. But grieve and move on. It’s freeing to drop expectations and live in the moment with your child as they grow. You miss so much by getting stuck in your head. Don’t miss this ride, it’s such an honor to be welcomed along.  

Take time to grieve. There is a grieving process in having a trans child. You grieve what you thought life would look like.

What is the most marked characteristic of a person who has stood by you?

When people ask how my kid is and truly listen. We don’t have many like that around us these days. I have folks at work who are supportive, neighbors who help in neighborly ways. But no one gets very close right now. 

What’s one thing your child has taught you?

To have fun despite things crashing down around us. 

How would you like your child to remember you?

I want my child to remember that they were a big part of the reason I never stopped fighting and never shut up. And that I talked to plants and bees and loved growing things. 

What new name for yourself would you choose if everyone chose a different name for the next chapter of their life?

Maybe Bird. It would be fun to say out loud. I think if I started changing up names, I may not stop, kind of like my kid. The more I sit with it, I’m leaning toward Bird. But maybe it’s too close to Burt, and I would not like people calling me Burt. Maybe Aster, like the flower, one of the last to feed the bees at the end of the season. 

—Ivy M.

Ivy M. is a community activist, feeder of neighbors, communer with pollinators, grower of things, and parent of a fabulous trans teen.

If you’d like to answer The Defiant Questions, contact us at We.Are.Gender.Defiant@proton.me.