End Times Prom Time
My kid’s gender care was cut. But this trans family is euphoric. The dance goes on
The clinic where my teen has gone for years just ended gender care for trans patients under 19.
I got the news as I was on my way to pick up Izzy to go prom dress shopping. When I saw the adolescent clinic number on my phone, I pulled over. “I have bad news,” said the doctor. He added: “I can’t believe it has come to a choice between getting arrested and doing my job.”
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He kept pausing as he spoke. I realized he was crying. Izzy's doctor is methodical, a careful provider, and not usually emotional. He was referring to our health system’s announcement that will not stand between its physicians and law enforcement should the state arrest them for prescribing hormones to trans teens (prescribing hormones to trans teens is legal).
On our side
The doctor emphasized that he opposes the policy and that every provider in the practice is on our side. He knows gender affirming care is lifesaving care for all teens, not just trans teens.
It could not be more clear that trans teens as a class are being denied care because of their gender. When I was Izzy’s age, I got hormonal birth control. That’s gender affirming care—cis teens routinely get it. I had STD testing and got precancerous cells scraped off my cervix. Lifesaving gender care. Cis kids can still get blockers for precocious puberty. Cis boys with excess breast tissue can use hormones or get top surgery so their bodies align with the gender they identify with—because they should “enjoy their gender,” the hospital said. Apparently trans kids should be stripped of their gender, not enjoy it.
Izzy’s gender transition has been fulfilling and trouble-free till this point. Blockers paused testosterone-based puberty when she was 14, giving her a couple of years to think about whether to start estrogen and see how her body felt. In consultation with her doctor, and with us (her mom and dad), she did eventually choose to start estrogen. She has bloomed into herself, and she is also the person she always was. After we adjusted to the fact that we have a girl instead of a boy, we realized that she is the same brown-eyed, funny, movie-obsessed kid she always was.
Piles of dresses
It was good to hear the doctor is on our side, but it doesn’t help. Health systems are abandoning kids. The end of blockers and HRT, for my child and thousands more, means forced detransition. The erasure of the health and confidence they have experienced simply by being accepted, trusted, and getting care like any patient.
Every parent in a trans family knows of a teen who has died by suicide. There will be more.
After a minute, I drive on. This bad news won’t stop prom from coming. The call will not keep my daughter and me from Macy’s, where we will load our arms with dresses in every color of the rainbow for Izzy to try on. The pure hatred behind the news from Izzy’s clinic will take a while to sink in, but it coexists with the fact that I am also the happiest mom of a girl on earth, which is to say, an ordinary mom.
The pure hatred behind the news from Izzy’s clinic will take a while to sink in, but it coexists with the fact that I am also the happiest mom of a girl on earth, which is to say, an ordinary mom.
Later that day, I tell Izzy about the call. I make a promise to her to find care.
No executive order will stop my daughter from getting blockers and HRT. I’ll see to that.
Righteous menopausal friends
Over the weeks since the announcement, I have filled Izzy's remaining 4 months of prescription in advance, out of pocket. It cost $540, far beyond our budget, but I can’t stand worrying that the pharmacy might refuse to fill them. I have stockpiled more estrogen thanks to righteous menopausal friends with extra patches. I have found a doctor in another state.
I am part of a wide network of families—some middle class like us, some poor—helping each other find care. Did you know you can DIY hormones? Trans people have been doing it for generations. I have been on a steep learning curve, helped by trans women in their 30s and 40s. I thank God for them.
The last thing Izzy’s doctor said was: “It’s up to families now to tell their stories. No one is listening to us. Tell your story.”
Wondrous, subtle
That’s one reason I write for Gender Defiant. To share my story, as the parent of a trans kid, with other parents and wider audiences. But I want to do more than update you on what targeted attacks to our community look like at home. I write for Gender Defiant because the moral panic has nothing to do with being trans. Zero. What I want to share most are the discoveries I am making about gender on a daily basis. The wondrous, subtle, perspective-shifting moments I might not be privileged to experience were I not in this family I found, with the child I am lucky to have.
Families like mine are living a terrible American story. But there is another, bigger, human story underneath it. That story—those many true, interesting, individual, vital stories—are being drowned out by people screaming lies for political gain.
So one way I can fight for my kid, and all kids, to find themselves and live their lives, and for people like you, whoever you are, to see trans families not as ideological monsters but as ordinary human beings, is to write for Gender Defiant. (PS: we found a great dress.)
— N.R.
